When I was in Senior High, I became groupies. Of course I was involved to a circle where I was bounded with some friends by the same likes. Unfortunately we didn’t only share our likes to a certain band, but also all things that made us feel like really connected to each other. Of course to show up that we were really groupies, we then did what we thought groupies did. We smoked and sometimes drank. That was the first time I tasted alcohol and cigars. The first time I tasted it (more often cigars than alcohol) I coughed a lot. I still did it only because I wanted to be regarded as part of them. Sometimes I was not comfort in doing it, but I adored one of our friends (in the same group) and I felt like she was really cool every time she smoked. Malboro red, that was her cigar. She was about 16 year old at that time. Then every where I went, I felt like prouder if Malboro was inside my bag. Though I could never really puff it.
I have twin sister and she smokes. She’s been smoking since in Senior High. I remember when we and our cousins were gathering, they were all smoking but me. I didn’t smoke because I knew they would laugh on me. They thought I couldn’t smoke. I couldn’t puff it well. One day they were all hanging out, and I was forbidden to come along with them. It was because they were all smoking and I wasn’t. They felt I couldn’t share the same enjoyment with them. I hated it, then I never really have a close relationship with them (until now). They would have vision that I was an angle that spied on them. They were all annoyed and thought that I watched their sinful behavior.
Indeed I never like smoking. Even my best friend was more comfortable in going out with my twin than me. She may think that they could share the cigars together. Even when I went out with them to Club night (I often do this, and fortunately like it) I was the only one who didn’t drink and smoke. Some people thought it was silly and began to ask me … ‘So what’s the point of being there then?’ I would answer it, ‘To dance!’
The reasons I wasn’t that into smoking are first of course because I couldn’t puff it well, I also always have painful throat ever morning I wake up, and anyway I was a runner … smoking will only undermine the quality of my running. The only reason of why I don’t drink is because it is certainly forbidden in my religion. So, when all of people in the club night would smoke and drink after dance … I would dance dance and only dance there, well sometimes had a chat with a strange man that I was interested in.
The truth that I didn’t smoke drove me also to be more selective in choosing a man I wanted to be with. I then had a relationship with a man who’s not a smoker. It was good of course because I didn’t like the smell of a smoker. I felt like they bring this smell everywhere even when they are not smoking. I was happy enough to be with this non-smoking guy.
When I worked, almost all my friends are smokers. They are given the accessibility to smoke inside our office, though the air conditioner is running. Every one smoked but I was not influenced. Then my jobs became more and more heavy. I worked under pressure anyway. Then I met my old best friend who used to smoke with my twin. She was working too. Every time she was depressed, she would take cigar. Sometimes when it was too hard for me to handle, I then took this best friend cigar. It increased day by day. People in my office still believe that I don’t smoke, though I do. Then I began to have my own cigar.
Day by day it became worse. Especially when I had a conflict with my father. I was bold to smoke in front of him. I called it rebel. My father had quit a long time ago, but seeing me smoking he then smokes again. Actually, it was me who often forbade him to smoke. He believed that I was his very good daughter among his daughters until I smoked. Well … I was so sorry for that, but I am still human who could fall sometimes. Now I smoke, even a lot. I became addicted for I know now how to puff it. Maybe smoking is my way to survive from the inhospitable condition. I begin to wonder what is it on smoking that makes me feel like more relaxed. Is it because the inhaling process? We puff it in and out that is the same as the way we breathe? We take a deep breath anyway when we are depressed, and then we feel better. Or is it because of the certain substance that is functioned to make us feel relaxed? Well whatever it is I see that most smokers smoke when they find something unpleasant in their life. Maybe they want to shorten their life by smoking, knowing that life is not that beautiful. My best friend told me, she would quit when she had found her happiness. I will also quit someday when I feel like not that stressful, that’s why I won’t run for cigars.
Smoking … maybe some people hate it, and some really need it. I’ve been in both of them. To be frank I like myself who’s not smoking better. Well but maybe I also need partner to face this not really nice life, and cigars have become my good partner. To reduce the amount of people who smoke I guess we have to make this life more beautiful. Believe me, ‘no for smoking’ campaign won’t really work. People still smoke though Doctor has showed them their lungs roentgen. Well anyway smoking and not smoking are choices. Well, I guess they are old enough (I said old because cigars only allowed for people not less than 18 year old) to know the consequences of what they are taking. Well but I really appreciate those who are not smoking in front of people who don’t smoke. By the way government has been kindly enough in making the certain place to smoke available. In appreciating this generosity, I guess those who smoke can be polite enough not to smoke in public (especially public transportation). Last but not least, thank for not smoking in public area … I, myself thank for cigars that has been accompanying me through this not really nice life.
–Myra Fathira-
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