Myra - Ia Membunuhmu

Aku tahu kamu tidak disana. Saat kita semua sedang berkumpul, membicarakan hal2 menyenangkan yang membuat rileks syaraf-syaraf otak. Tertawa, tanpa ada beban yang ikut bergabung, tapi tidak dengan kamu. Kadang kamu memang ikut tertawa, seolah-olah mengerti apa yang sedang kamu tertawakan. Tapi aku tahu, kamu tidak disana, tawamu hanya formalitas saja.
Kamu tidak pernah ada disana, sesuatu menyedotmu kesana, ke tempat dimana kamu habiskan tiap jam dan detikmu. Tapi itu diluar kuasamu, kalau saja kamu bisa kamu ingin pergi dari situ. Tapi kamu terjebak di tempat itu. Ya, di alam pikiranmu, tempat dimana Ia berada.

Itu membuatmu tidak fokus. Kadang kamu tertawa, mengangguk, atau menggelengkan kepala seolah-olah kamu menyimak lawan bicaramu, tapi kamu sebenarnya tidak ada disana, kamu bahkan tidak tahu apa yang sedang dibicarakan karena terkadang tanggapanmu terhadap apa yang sedang dibicarakan sama sekali tidak ber- korelasi.
Terkadang kamu membagi alam pikiranmu saat kamu resah. Saat kamu merasa terlalu penat untuk kamu simpan sendiri. Kamu akan membicarakannya seolah-olah Ia adalah topik penting yang wajib didengarkan. Kamu bahkan tidak peduli kalupun tidak ada yang mendengarkan atau bahkan peduli, karena sebenarnya kamu hanya butuh untuk menumpahkan perasaanmu. Kamu sebenarnya menceritakan untuk diri kamu sendiri. Itu kamu lakukan agar kamu terus ingat memori-memori tentangnya. Kamu ulang terus apa yang otakmu rekam tentangnya agar Ia tidak punah dari pikiranmu. Bahkan bagimu sebuah pesan di inbox handphone-mu yang berbunyi, ”ada apa? Lagi nonton, what’s up anyway?”, bisa membuatmu riang seharian, walaupun tidak berarti apa-apa, tapi kamu cukup tenang mengetahui message-mu dibalas. Aku bertaruh pasti message itu akan selalu ada di inbox-mu menyingkirkan message-message lain yang memenuhi inbox-mu.

Suatu saat aku melihatmu begitu fokus, suatu hal yang jarang sekali kamu lakukan. Kamu tidak lagi ’tersedot’ ke alam itu. Aku tahu karena Ia ada didepan-mu. Kali ini pikiranmu terpusat padanya, seperti alam semesta yang terpusat pada matahari. Sudah kuduga, Ia alasan ketidakfokusanmu. Ia matahari-mu, ketidakfokusanmu berhenti padanya! Kali ini senyuman, anggukan, dan tanggapan-tanggapanmu nyata, bukan hanya sekedar formalitas. Ia cukup untuk-mu, mewakili semua kesenangan-kesenangan-mu.

Sayang Ia terlalu sempurna untuk menjadi nyata, dan itu membuatmu sadar utuk hanya berhenti di kata ’mengagumi’. Kamu tahu diri, walaupun kamu terlalu silau pada cahaya yang Ia pancarkan sampai-sampai cahaya dirimu tertutup olehnya. Bukan kamu yang tidak berharga, hanya saja kamu memandangnya terlalu tinggi. Kamu tidak berani memilikinya, tapi kamu juga terlalu takut untuk melepasnya. Ia hartamu, kehilanganya sama saja ’jatuh miskin’ bagimu. Itulah yang membuatmu diperbudak perasaan olehnya. Aku tidak bisa menyalahkannya, kamu yang salah.
”’Ngga mungkin-lah saya punya perasaan sama dia. Jauh banget dari tipe saya..”, kata-kata ini berhasil merontokkan helai demi helai memorimu tentang ke- maha- an- nya. Tapi kamu bukan hanya ’katarak’, kamu bahkan ’buta permanen’. Kamu terlalu takut sengsara bila kamu hilangkan Ia dari sel-sel otakmu. Lagipula Ia sudah tertanam paten di otakmu. Terlalu sulit untuk mencabutnya. Aku akan malah jahat bila tidak memberitahukan ini padamu. Kupikir lebih baik kamu amputasi Ia dari bagian otakmu. Memang sakit, tapi sudah hanya sekali, tidak akan berkepanjangan. Tapi ternyata aku salah, lukamu tak kunjung sembuh. ’Amputasi’ tidak berhasil untukmu. Lukamu malah meradang. Sudah kubilang agar jangan terlalu mengagungkannya. Kuat tidaknya perasaanmu padanya bergantung pada bagaimana kamu mengembangkannya. Kalau saja kamu bisa membuat perasaanmu ’normal’ padanya, atau paling tidak kamu mengontrolnya agar tidak makin membesar pasti hal ini tidak akan terjadi.

Lihat Ia sama sekali tidak merasa bersalah pada kematianmu. Kamu telah korbankan nyawamu dengan sia-sia. Kamu pasti jengkel mendengar perkataanya saat Ia membuka kain yang menutupi wajahmu. ”Kasian… pikirannya terlalu pendek”. Ia tidak merasakan beban yang kamu tanggung karenanya. Mungkin bahkan Ia tidak tahu Ia-lah penyebab kamu nekad melakukan perbuatan yang dikutuk Tuhan. Mungkin kamu tidak menemukan surga, bahkan neraka-pun menolakmu. Tapi setidaknya kamu bisa bernapas lega, pikiranmu kini hampa, tidak terisi memori tentangnya. Semoga itu membuatmu bahagia.

-Myra Fathira-

Myra - Black Sabbath ...

It was marvelous knowing that I had two weeks long holiday. Spending my holiday in Bandung became my eager desire. Above all activities that I had planned in my mind, I still had one place … a place I spared for him, my dearly Z. The first time I inhaled Bandung chill air, I was glad Finally I breathed in the same air as he. We indeed have a problem with ‘distance’. We have never been really together. When we were in Bandung, he often went here and there. I haven’t finished celebrating his return from another city, for the sake of helping Jogja’s Earthquake victims, I had to again deal with his leaving. He had to prepare the exam entering University in Jakarta. When he returned, then he asked for my permission he had to head back to Jogja to prepare another exam entering University there. I wasn’t given the opportunity to spend my long holiday with him, because after those leaving then I knew he passed the exam and was accepted in one of well-known University in Jakarta. I told to myself, it’s all right … he will come back, we will be together again someday. I tried to maintain a long distance relationship. I tried not to concern of his absence. I kept myself busy with many arrangements of activities. I was focus on my study, wishing I graduated faster then I could head to where he was. I kept myself busy by having a part-time job. I always encouraged myself that I can survive, I can keep my fidelity. His last words before he went became the only reminder that kept my fidelity, to be a good lover. Indeed I was never really with other men no matter how charming they are. I felt guilty every time I went out with them, thought they were just friends.

Time maybe passes so fast, I was done with my study and so was he. I was so excited for I was accepted in one of Advertising Agency to become a copy writer. It’s not because I was accepted as copy writer, the position I desirably wanted to be every time someone asked me what do you want to be?, that really excited me … it was because of finally I got so closed to him, I was in the same city with him, I breathed the same air as he. Actually I was about to also arrange my leaving to another country for the sake of continuing my study, but I thought it would again separated us. So, I decided to have this job, and finally could really have ‘a vivid relationship’. Then I know that Life goes beyond your expectation, but I believed at that time (or rather to please myself) that true love doesn’t run smoothly. At my first staying in Jakarta, it was indeed easier for us to meet. I used to have him as my guest not only in Saturday night. I was glad and was so sure that I took a right decision in staying in Jakarta. Then I really just have a very short excitement, for other weeks he went back to Bandung for he had finished his study. It was so strange, being in this strange city without him, the only reason I stayed. He left me alone, struggling with this mean city … without him, the only excitement I had. Then everything turned in opposite. When previously I tried hard to find an excuse to be able going to Jakarta, now there was always a reason to be able spending my week-end in Bandung.

Fortunately, (or maybe unfortunately? For now it’s hard for me to distinguish those terms) I met someone. He was actually not a new person in my life, but maybe he has just seen me in the corner. Or if I believe in destiny, we are destined to be put in situation, where we then had a chance to get know further of each other. If I compared this new person with him, what he did to me was even not 5 % better than what this new person did. This new person made me believe that I am that worth to be granted with all treatments a woman should have from the one who loves her. He would call me not only to just talk of pleasant things, he also was all ears listening every shit that happened to me, he would tease me to just desirably hear my chuckling. He would forget the distance from Bandung to Jakarta, when he missed me. Now I could proudly say that once there was a man who had ever come to Jakarta from Bandung just to have a lunch with me, he didn’t mind if after the lunch he had to pass the traffic to go miles miles away back to Bandung. Surprisingly this thing I have ever experienced, but with me as the subject not the object. It happened when I went to Jakarta ignored that I had to attend an important lecture, waiting alone in his Campus that was strange for me, just to give him a gift, while he said that he couldn’t meet me for his a lot of assignments. Maybe as a return of what I painfully did to him, HE kindly sent this new person to me. This new person also forgot that he needed to take a rest when he wanted to make sure I had come home from my late night working time. I still remembered how he waited in the parking area, read in the dark (for waiting me so long, till the horizon stole the sun), just to spend maybe just several minutes with me. Things that I would never have from him. With all ignorance that he used to grant me, of course I deserved to fall. I had a fully virtue to fall. Though that words ‘to be a good lover’, preoccupied my mind. Perhaps I was just tired, tired of struggling alone. I didn't mean to be unfaithful, I thought he couldn't save me to fall for a better love a man granted me, he couldn't save our relationship. He let me ... he really let me to fall for another person better than him.

Indeed I fell, once strangely he didn't completely fill my thoughts. It was like the cupid had clapped his wings and went off from my flowery feelings I had when I was with him. Suddenly he became the person I didn't know, I felt exiled from his world, the world where he used to be the center of my attention. Once I felt like awaked from false consciousness of loving him. Perhaps there was really a guardian angel, that had successfully stolen my heart. Again Venus was not at my side, I was only given a short time in tasting the antidote of my severe love story. This guardian angel had been taken away before I was really healed. I was looking for another antidote to avoid me from dying, I found no one but him. Though I know he may heal me with a strong poison, but I knew that the poison had a tendency also in killing me.

It was Sabath ... I couldn't bare many problems that kept coming. Indeed, it burdened me a lot. I guess I needed someone to keep me stand. Since this virtuous new man had already been unreachable, I went to him. Called for his very kindness to help me, what I needed at that time was only his presence. It was enough for me.

I hugged him, but I felt it was not as it once was. It's cold. I don't know whether it was because I had ever tasted another warmth that genuinely given to me ... or I had got a premonition that his love to me had faded, reduced day by day. I cried ... I didn't know what makes me. Perhaps I was just tired of many problems that haunted me lately, or I just missed my guardian angel that had been so far far away from me, or maybe I missed him I was afraid of loosing him. He saw me crying in his belly. He thought that I was crying for my exhausted in maintaining this kind of relationship, with him who never exists. Actually it was more complex than just that. I didn't even know whom I love, whom I cried for, I didn't know. You told me that there were many domestic problems (I guess your family prohibited you to be with me, from some reason I don't know and I don't want to know) that avoided you to grant me with all those treatments I wished to have. You said something that again pierced my ears, you said that our relationship was going nowhere for if you stayed you might again hurt me. I cried a river but I didn't know why I cried. Perhaps it was because of his words, or because I hadn't been able to let him go, or I just missed my guardian angel that had been so far far away from me and I, at that time, called for his light that used to radiate my dim heart. I fell ... I was loosing my grip. I didn't know where to go. Then for tons of time, I again loosed him as those words again pierced my ears. He said that British Petroleum accepted him, and he might leave but he didn't know to what country. That Sabath would be different from others Sabath. There was no one I would be glad to spend the night with, or to just rejuvenate my stressful routine, for that Sabath I spent my time with tears. I became so fragile lately, and of course became a person I didn't know that somewhat frightened myself.

I decided to swallow all pain ... I decided to get along with that. Then I remembered what my beloved lecturer (though he may hate me now) said that shits happen ... what I have to do is to deal with that. Though I guess all the pain had made me get accustomed to that, I became numb. I decided to accept, when you have nothing to lose then you have everything to gain.

Knowing I can't really breathe in the same air with him, I decided to go. I planned to go to Germany continuing my study that once was canceled, hope all those knowledge become the only medicine that can heal and excite me. I stop wishing, for I know the consequences that I haven't been ready to face. After I had been deal with that ... he came again. Like a virus he ruined the protection I had built. I fell ... He so kindly asked me to watch a movie, thing that he never did before, thing that I desirably want. I was so confused. Should I let myself fall again? I guess I was so excited so I ignored the battle in my heart that avoided me to let myself tormented again. I went, though I was so sick, though he didn't pick me up like others did when he asked me to go out with them. I came ... I came to gamble with the only chance I have. Then I let him to torment me again. We couldn't see the movie because I was late. I swear that I had tried hard to be on time, but what can I expect from a public transportation? You blamed me for being late, I really wanted to blame you for not picking me up. You decided to eat. I accompanied you, though I didn't eat. I thought it was nice just accompanying you eat. I read a book that caused us arguing. You showed your opposing me of my great interest to study 'feminism'. We didn't even talk about you or me or any thing that could heal our disappointment not watching the movie. We fought (or maybe you call it discussion). When we decided to come home, you decided to come home alone, you didn't even ask for my permission. You let me to walk alone ... I (for so many times) cried again.

For you Z ... I guess I have to praise myself for being so tough and stiff for all pain that lasted for 3 years long. But now I guess it's my time to deserve the happiness. I know we can never breathe in the same air. I decided to have a new air. Maybe if we are let to breath in the same air, we will be suffocated by harmful oxygen ... if it is not you, it is me who'd die. I thank you for teaching me deal with pain, to become this tough (or numb). I hope BP doesn't send you to Germany, I am afraid I can't resist your charming and again let myself fall. Good luck ... don't forget to send me your wedding invitation, I may be mad when I know the woman is not Arabian.

-Myra Fathira-